Change With A Side Of Loss

The best thing I ever did was walk away.

In 2011, late one evening, I sat on the cold bathroom floor sobbing. Sobbing because I was miserable. Sobbing because I was in disbelief. Sobbing because I felt lost.

Lost at how I arrived at this point. A point where I no longer knew who I was anymore.

You see, I had become enmeshed with a human who was sucking my soul right out of me. I no longer knew the truth from the lies. My nights were spent in tears, and my days were spent lost in a black hole.

I was in a false relationship with a man who I questioned, whether he ever truly loved me. His love belonged to something far bigger than me, pain killers. For years I was blind to the realities of his addiction. Brain washed by his charismatic charm. I had missed all the major red flags, and when I did see them, I was easily persuaded that they, in fact, were “not red flags.”

I was in a head space where I felt no one would ever love me if I left, so I stayed. I stayed far longer than I ever should have. I was mentally weak and had lost all belief in myself. To this day, I am not sure how I found the strength to leave, but reflecting back, it was the best thing I ever did.

Had I stayed, you wouldn’t be reading this right now. I wouldn’t have a masters degree and I sure as heck wouldn’t be a licensed counselor. Tears well up in my eyes when I think back to my life in California. Years of loneliness and lies. A time where I was lost and crumbling. A chapter in my book where my limiting beliefs also kept me in the “suck.” I cry because I can’t imagine not having the life I have now. Married to a man who loves me unconditionally.

We often stay in sucky situations because they are familiar and comfortable to us, and the fear of the unknown is terrifying. Don’t stay in a dark toxic relationship because it’s comfortable. You deserve to stand in the sunshine with me. You deserve to know a healthy love within yourself and with others.

Your thoughts will try to keep you safe, and they will encourage you to stay in the suck because it’s familiar. You deserve a life worth living! You deserve pure joy.

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